Put me in, Coach!

I’m fangin for it.

I’m a ravenous carnivorous

animal and I’m gonna dance

the house down.

I’m American Psycho

and I fear nothing baby!

The world is a battlefield

and I'm naked with a chainsaw

showing other men

my business card and

making them show me

their business card in turn.

I am seven feet tall

and I will never die.

It says so right here

on my Google Reviews –

“he is seven feet tall

and he will never die”

I’m not like

those other losers

who tried and failed, coach.

I make the right decisions.

I will not nibble on an

obvious hook like a stupid

hungry fish. For real!

I am not a sick sack of gristle and fear

like all these other schlubs!

Slow, sad youths with

one single thought

bubbling through the crust

of their brain like a fossilised

body raised from a tar pit.

I’m hell normal.

I’m so stable it’s insane.

They should put me in the normal asylum

for people who are too well adjusted

and also beautiful and smart.

Put me in, Coach and I

will make you so much money

it would blow your tiny Coach mind

Put me in. Put me in!

I am still young and

I have so much to prove.

I still have infinite shapes I can fill

and I am so very capable of choosing

the shapes that are good instead

of the ones that are bad.

Watch me roll that damn boulder

up that damn hill every day from now until the end of time.

Watch me love every second of it.

Put me in because I know

it’s rough out there.

I know it’s so fucking rough.

You’re tired, Coach, I can tell.

Between you and me, Coach,

I’m tired too. That’s why

you have to put me in.

I know the struggle of existing

in a world that grows

more hostile as the days pass

through the belly of a snake.

I know how hard it is to

find joy amongst misery.

To remind yourself that

there is more than drudgery,

more than pushing pixels and

rubbing pennies together,

that the world we exist in is vaster

and more ancient than the

bisected simulacrum we inhabit.

I can help you see beauty

that lives in small joys.

The beam of dust-moted light

that filters through a crack in the windows.

Softly undulating branches

of trees that breathe with the

rhythm of an earth older and more

unknowable than anything

we can fathom.

Put me in, Coach!

I can build ladder so tall

and so sturdy that it spans to heaven

and I can strap you to my back

in a little baby carrier

and I can take you with me.

I can take us both out of here

forever. You and me, Coach,

forever.